I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
