there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
