i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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