Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
