just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
