Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
