Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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