1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
