Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
