i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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