Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
