you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
