Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
zippers are such a cool invention
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
