this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize