I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
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