Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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