I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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