My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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