Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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