checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Terrible idea I love it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
