porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
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