you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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