I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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