I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
