Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
