What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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