I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
