Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
