I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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