Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
