so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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