Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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