You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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