i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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