Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
