he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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