Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
