Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
What a dumb baby whore.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
