Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
