We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Randomize
