note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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