I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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