today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
