Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
