I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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