ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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