Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
