I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
