Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
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Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
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Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.