I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
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Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Semen is not good for contacts.
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I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.