Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
