So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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