I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
