Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i now understand why vodka
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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