Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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