He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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