I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Couch. On fire.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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