It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
