So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
