also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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