Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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