The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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