Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
